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Your Star Wars Name
Star Wars First Name
Take the first 3 letters of your LAST name. Add to that the first 2 letters of your FIRST name.
Star Wars Last Name
Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name. Add to that the first 3 letters of the name of the town where you were born.

The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's Character "Jedi Master Mace Windu" Say in the Star Wars Prequels
You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine. Feel the Force, motherfucker. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What? You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say! Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother Fucker."

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle."

The Top 13 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
"Feel the force!" "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend seek you!" "Excuse me while I put a shield on my saber, Sweetheart." or "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must." "Now you know why they put one of me in every Happy Meal, do you." "Foreplay, Cuddling, afterplay - a Jedi craves not these things." "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, must I!" "Do me or do me not-there is no try." "Early must I rise. Leave now must you!" "You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass." "Happens to every guy sometimes this does." "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?" "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?" "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"

Top Ten Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend
Tractor beam not powerful enough. Spending the night with Han Solo. Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe. Oiling the droid. Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet. Shaking hands with the wookie. The Empire's striking out. The Death Star is not yet operational. My force is no longer with me. Camping alone outside the theater.

The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation
Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon Grooming the Wookie Making the Kessel Run Polishing Vader's Helmet Evacuating Tatooine Unsheathing the Meatsaber Releasing the Special Edition Jumping to Delight Speed Communicating with Red Leader One Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo Tinkering With the R2 Unit Manually Targeting the Rebel Base Performing the Jedi Hand Trick Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears Test Firing the Death Star

Top Ten Bad Things About Having A Summer Time Share With Darth Vader
Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth." That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago." He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

Top Ten Star Wars' Fans Complaints About The New Movie
Media is virtually ignoring its release. Most of special effects budget went toward giving Yoda a realistic looking rash. Somebody forgot to cut price tags off wookie costumes. There's no glowing hockey guy. Scene where Millennium Falcon hits an iceberg feels tacked on. When theater lights come back on, you're still a 40-year old virgin. You never find out what the "Matrix" is. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far away" replaced with "Make me a billionaire, losers." R2-D2 sexier with the implants in. Lame scene where Ewoks are freed from captivity by Reverend Jesse Jackson.

Which Star Wars Character Are You?
ARIES (March 21 - April 19) Star Wars Character : The Emperor The Emperor has demonstrated his liking to inflict pain on people just as people born under the sign Aries often do. He feels he is at the center of the universe and he must be in control. He enjoys being a leader and his aggression and quick-tempered attitude also helps him with this. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Star Wars Character : Chewbacca Chewbacca is a dependable creature but he can tend to be stubborn. He likes material possessions and loves to win at games. He tends to hate being bossed around or losing and he may succumb to his physical strength when upset. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Star Wars Character : Ewok Ewoks are playful little creatures as are Gemini's. They tend to be extremely curious, craving knowledge but sometimes having short attention spans. For the most part they are charming and lovable beings but they can seem scattered and highly-strung at times. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) Star Wars Character : Luke Skywalker Luke seemed to be somewhat whinny sometimes but he eventually developed the thick hard shell of a cancer. He is strong willed, and persistent to get what he wants. He never shys away from a fight at the first sign of danger. Not to mention he began to master the element of mind manipulation. LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) Star Wars Character : Princess Leia Leia adds a whole new meaning to high self-assurance which is evident in Leos. She is a nurturing person with great physical strength. Like many Leos, she will see that her mission for good is completed and she is very optimistic about the outcome. VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Star Wars Character : C3P0 C3P0 shows his efficiency when working for a good cause but he tends to be a little bit fussy when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary.Like many Virgos he wants to stay out of the spotlight and he does well at picking up minute details. LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Star Wars Character : Obi Wan Kenobie As always Obi Wan continues forward in his pursuit of justice and he is determined to succeed. He conveys his art of persuasion through the force. He displays his supreme intelligence and is very talented in obtaining balance between himself and his surroundings. SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Star Wars Character : Han Solo Han is a powerful character. He also tends to be possessive and lusty which would explain Han's greedy nature. He feels threatened by Leia's attempt to order him around which displays the disliking Scorpios have for people who try to control them. He is often prone to suspicion and jealousy as seen in the empire strikes back. However, his resilience and passion lead him to get what he wants. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Star Wars Character : Yoda Yoda is superbly wise and he has been known to spread this wisdom widely. He seems to be impatient and pushy when people take his teachings too lightly. As always his philosophical side always peeks through. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Star Wars Character : R2D2 R2's ambition and inexhaustible desire to reach their goals/destination. He is a very loyal, sometimes going to great lengths to help someone out. He is a very social unit winning the hearts of many with his cute personality. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Star Wars Character : Darth Vader Vader can be cruel, and torment people who disagree with him, but deep down there is a peace loving, friendly side to him. He has a knack for inflicting pain on people and he uses his intellect during battle. PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) Star Wars Character : Lando Lando is the typical character with his head in the clouds. He is self-sacrificing but may be too passive to stand up to Vader. He becomes fairly pessimistic when put under pressure. He also poses as a chameleon wanting to change his scenery on occasion.

Immediate Employment - Job Opening In A Galaxy Far, Far Away
Immediate Employment -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group. An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant. Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.) Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of August. Transmit them to jobs@darkside.com. ***************************************************** Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge, management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG(tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER
The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition ----------------------------------------------- INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down. Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! Darth Vader: No... I am your father! Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible. Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true... Luke: NO! Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? Luke: Threepio? Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old... Luke: No... Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp... Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star! Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship! Luke: Well, it's not my fault... Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!" Luke: Shut up... Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights! Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here baby! Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it. Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine... Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him. Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

Star Wars Songs!
Imperial Rhapsody Sung to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody
LANDO: This is the good life This is a fantasy Working on Bespin An escape from Reality. LEIA: Open your eyes Stand up to these guys and see. LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy Cuz who's my dad, I dunno Little whine, little moan. HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me PIETT: Vader just killed a man. Raised an arm up in the air Now his life is no longer there. Vader, we had just begun, And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum. Vader, ooooooo. Didn't mean to make you mad If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow, There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened. YODA: Too late, my time has come, Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time. LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force. PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo. I don't want to die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all. LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor? Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me! R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH! I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me. REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family. Spare him this life of such mendacity! HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go. JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go) HAN: Let me go! JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go) HAN: Let me go! JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go) HAN: LET ME GO! JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO! HAN: LET ME GO! JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO! HAN: LET ME GO! JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along. LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee, for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Stormtroopers start headbanging) LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine? But you cut my hand off and left me to die! Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader. I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you. OBIWAN: May the Force be with you. Use the Force to see. May the Force be with you, May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays. HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter, to meeeeeeee.
THE MAX REBO BAND Sung To Billy Joel's The Pianoman
It's nine o'clock down at Jabba's place the regular crowd waddles in there's a weird thing sitting next to me it has three eyes and mottled gray skin. Fett says Max can you play me a memory I'm not really sure how it goes but it's haunting and sweet and if you miss a beat this carbine will blow off your nose. He said sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band sing us a song tonight 'cause we're all in the mood for a melody except Solo, who's in carbonite. La de de da, de de da La da de de da, da dum.. Now Jabba the Hutt is a friend of mine he gives me my life for free And because he's a Hutt, why, we all kiss his butt or the rancor will have us for tea. He said "Bo Shuda, offom da Tukatti!" as he stuffed a frog into his face but we don't know a woid, 'cause he shot the talkdroid So we'll smile and nod, just in case. Oh, La de de da, de de da La da de de da, da dum.. Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band sing us a song tonight 'cause we're all in the mood for a melody except Solo, who's in carbonite. Sy Snootles is our favorite vocalist her face it ain't launching no ships. Don't know why it behoove her to go kiss a Hoover but that's how she got those weird lips. v A Gammorean guard is headbutting bricks as another one gnaws on a bone and I don't know which has less intelligence either those two big thugs or the stone. Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band sing us a song tonight 'cause we're all in the mood for a melody except Solo, who's in carbonite. Oh, la da da da de de dah la da de de da dah dum.. It's a pretty good crowd, here at Jabba's place it's a killing, that's why we're all here we'll sail over the dune to the pit of Carkoon and we'll toss someone in with a cheer. 'Cause we gotta new droid on the pedestal and a man in black's come in the door he just pointed a gun over Salacious Crumb and then promptly sank through the floor. Oh, La de de da, de de da La da de de da, da dum.. Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band sing us a song tonight for the Jedi Skywalker is down below and the rancor is gripping him tight Repeat and Fade- then throw yourself in the Sarlacc Pit. :)
Y.O.D.A Sung To the Village People's Y.M.C.A (As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker)
YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I *MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY* YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you GROWIN', from this food on your plate, I say *WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT* You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. Come and get yourself clean! Come and have a good meal! Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel! YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got *SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM* YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is *MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT* You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. He's 900 years old! He's so strong in the Force! Do your Jedi Diploma course! You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. You must be here to see Y.O.D.A. Don't just stand in the rain! You're all covered with mud! come and sample my homemade crud! OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha *HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE* YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be GOING, off to save all your friends? To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you *WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK* You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. You should stay here and train! You don't have to save Han! If you do so, you'll lose your hand! You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A. (repeat and fade).

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun". The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. One word: Lightsabers. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I". Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.

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